I'm contemplating the thot of me and u..now i know that you love me too im even more uneasy about u

blah...

well news flash i decided to go back to washington....started a sort of wonderful then turned horrid relationship with brian lewis.....two months almost. damn, i cared more for that man that i did robb and all that shit. my gpa passed away on the 20th of july. had to go to cali for a week ansd a half. not really passed away more like committed suicide. he was my favorite person in the world. i feel so drained and empty lately. even more so that the man i love and i cant work., i mean we lived together, worked together, slept together. it was amazing to be so close to someone and feel so happy. for the first time ever. and now my crutch, my strength, my heart is gone. yuh yuh it was only two months. but people who say to get over it need to realize....when u get that close to someone.,..its hard to go back to before. harder than anything....i feel like part of me is dead. i keep losing everything that matters to me. and ive known him so damn long. there was a real friendship there....ive known him since like my 10th grade year....idk....anyway...off to go watch a movie....then go back to my house tomorrow nite and pack everything up..i LOVE me. but i feel so damn unloved by the rest of the world...

well 6 mos here and i still yearn for something more. ive felt like something has been missing since i got here and now me and heather are living in the trailer together and she quit slut hut and went to spears. i start tomorro. idk....sumns not felt rite since the baby but o well shit happens. i saw a pic of robb today and it was wierd. i loved him so fucking much. i had pictured nuthing but him when i came home and when i got here it was bullshit. a year and a half on him wasted. hell a year and a half of my life wasted now im trying to stay on my feet and keep my mind busy. but this feeling of utter confusion and frustration keeps consuming me. i hate it.....well....idk enuf complaining for today. i tell no one my problems or thots or shit after karra. i lost my bro and went thru so much shit and she jus turned her back on me, but o well. i know who my friends are. and im not worried bou it. i got better things to do then deal with bullshit. shes not worth my time if shes guna act like that. idk. well time to go make a cd and go to sleep for work tomorro. egh. ......i MISS me....heh....

aww what to say what to say...well its been a minute since i been on but things are goin good. got a water leak at my house so i dun got water til the new tank comes n its fixed. should be delievered tomorro or so...my sis belly gettin big...we all think its a girl.....karra showinn a bit too....ima kill a bitch n go to jail in a few days...i keep gettin drunk n makin my stomach worse....skool is goin good but i wish i had more classes...i like college......iono what the fuck to say bout me n robb but me n caleb seem to be doin good....n ty came to see me las nite...awww....lol...todays his 18th so big HAPPY BDAY to him. he so cute. lol....hmmm.....things r goin good wit vero too...we tryin to find anotha house rite now tho cuz of the simple fact errywun n their momma n this trailor park is nosy n u can not do SHIT n keep it in ur own house without errywun knowin. i dont remember them bein this bad...i think the only one i can tolerate is my sister....cuz shes different...but o well....yuh...its all good....me n vero r big kids now! lol .....welps im out...ima go shower n maybe go to a bar or hang out with sumwun...not too much fun im tired.....egh.....time to go....i LOVE me!

i leave in bout 16 hours to go home!! then ill BE HOME in bout 25.... YAY!!!! im so excited...so much anticipation!!!