I'm contemplating the thot of me and u..now i know that you love me too im even more uneasy about u

so i dont think that i am going to be able to have another happy day when i see him again, i mean, it hurts so0o0o bad, but yet i dont know how to explain that as much as i want to and should hate him or be mad at him i just cant, i jus still seem to care about him. To want him to see im not a "caitlin" and that i would be more than he could ever imagine and that im not guna hurt him, like ppl are putting in his head. And the part that pisses me off about that is the bitch whos doing i t doesnt know me, she is running off of her hatred for ppl coming from stufff that she hears other idiots say, she doesnt know the truth about anything and she doesnt care. she tells herself a lie and she believes it. She is so manipulative and it also comes from her still wanting to be with him and only wanting him to date people that she can manipulate and control the relationship b/c of HER feelings. I hate high school, for four years i have cruised by, not taken any bullshit, scrapped wit whoeva had a prollem wit me, and had the best friends i could ask for even with all the shit in between and become a good ass person. Been clean for almost 1 1/2 yrs, havent even had weed in a long ass time. Have been just dating to not have another randy, and caleb, and ive been doing good.  I jus realized that thru all of this i have overcome and how proud of myself i am today for not getting hurt and not putting up with peoples shit that that is what im doing rite now, im letting ppl get to me, i let myself get hurt...there is nothing to be proud of there, and it doesnt matter, b/c in high school nobody cares about the real you, they care about what you can do for them. They are completely about themselves. and i hate the ppl that get into shit that isnt any of their business. im so glad i will be out of here in less than a month, gone from the drama ( which i fuckin hate) gone from the stupid ppl, and most of all away from rob, whom as much as i should be upset with i still wish things would have worked out better but its too late and its better this way b/c we will never work as much as we like eachother, and i know that ppl are fuckin with my head, cuz if someone only liked you as a friend and liked the other nieve ditzy  ugly stupid girl, *as she says he likes HER and me only as a friend* anyway if he only liked me as a friend why would he have come out of nowher asking me to the browns ball and telling me he'll wait for me and that he wants me to leave sooner so i can come back and be with him sooner, and tell me that he isnt going to the ball and planned a re-enactment because he wasnt guna go if i couldnt go with him. ok tell me he doesnt like me like that. and he finds out its for 6 mos and not 1 1/2 mos and he flips....no he jus likes me as a friend....MY ASS! i just want him to know that im not as stupid as he thinx, i hate the drama too, more then he could know, this is why i dont do relationships, that we could have worked had he been willing to try, however now he has lost the best thing he could have at this time in his life, b/c he chose to let manipulative little twits in his head, i know him better then ppl think, and hes know it, we get eachother, why couldnt he have jus let me in? and finally for him to know that maybe rite now isnt our time, but i know what he feels, and everyday that i am away i will be trying to get over him b/c that is what he wants, yet if he ever wants to be friends with me in the future, it is going to take a lot of effort on his part, b/c after i leave, he is only going to be a face from the past, as of rite now, he is already fading in my eyes, not b/c i want him to, but b/c he chose to be a past face....and he'll regret it, rob you can trust me on that, you will miss me, more then you are willing to admit to me, but thats my other prollem with you, you dont admit shit to me, then when i talk to you, you get cold and turn away....im tired of it, but i cant help but still want you, your eyes, your lips, the faces you make, the smile you put on my face, the way my legs get tingly and numbish whenever i talk to you.....there is nothing, even thru al this drama, about you that i would change, you are gorjus to me, your head, your heart, and what i see in you. Even thru your stupidity. I wish you would not put urself down as much and that you would see that everything that you think is wrong with you and so bad about you is beautiful to me, and to many other ppl. You should really give urself more credit....the kind of credit you have earned in my mind. anyway...i guess this was my final wave of thought about you....jus had to get it out to fix where our friendship stands...jus had to say this to fix this. as much as i say i dont want n e thing to do with you, i still want you in my life, but with me, if you feel the same, if you care at all, it needs to be proved, cuz you have yet to prove shit to me, except that you really are scared of being happy, and that you need to let go of the past, i was told the same thing, thot it would never happen. but it did, it went away, well, more like settled down into the past block of my mind and left the present. Stop hiding yourself from me, i know this all better then you think, i know you better then you think....anyway im really done for now.....i hope you will one day see what is rite in front of you before it is too late....